One of my close friends, Ken Bernardo, is the funniest person on the planet. I’m not joking. Everyone has at least one thing that they are good at (even if they don’t know it). Some people are kind, others can sing; some are skilled at a particular sport. My friend (and trusty editor) Ken doesn’t need to try to be funny–he just is. He’s got snappy comebacks, puns and jokes galore, and he says them all without missing a beat. He makes everyone laugh. From a writerly perspective, I appreciate his humour so much because I know that I can’t write good humour.
(Aside: he will write something brilliant if he ever disciplines himself enough to do so.)
Whenever I ask Ken to tell me a story, he leaves me in tears of laughter. This is what he wrote me today. It’s funny with a brilliant ending, and I would be saddened if others didn’t at least have the opportunity to read it.
Enjoy! (And many thanks to Ken for agreeing to let me post this!)
Princess Marie-Claire was aghast at the items that were strewn all over her bedroom floor.
A bishop’s hat, a loaf of bread, dead gnomes, and the body parts of an exotic woman lay at her feet. “Who could have done this?” cried the princess, tears rolling down her leg.
“Marie-Clara!” called one of her bread servants as he entered the door. “Are you okay? I heard quite a commotion and—oh my.” He stopped dead in his tracks upon the sight of one of the gnomes on the floor. His lips trembled at the realization of what had happened, and he finally uttered, “I forgot to do laundry this morning.”
“I’m certain there’s an explanation for all this!” exclaimed Marie-Clarence. “We must see the bishop at once.”
“You called?” said the bishop from just outside her kitchen window.
“There you are, Father,” said Marie-Cleary. “Summon the carriage at once. It’s time to go shopping.”
“Shopping, Your Highness?” asked her confused bread servant.
Princess Marie-Clark shot a fevered glance at him. “What in the hell is a bread servant? I tire of your idiosyncrasies. Arrest this foul wretch at once, bishop!”
“My lady,” uttered the bishop. “I cannot arrest anyone! I’m still in my nightgown!”
Princess Marie-Claudette was furious. How dare they disrespect her like this, she thought to herself. Finally, she said out loud: “How dare you disrespect her like this!”
“Who’s her?” asked the bread servant. This was not met kindly by our princess, who cast a spell on him and turned him to a loaf of bread…FOREVER.
The bishop knew he had to do something. He got down on his knees and quickly said 10 Hail Mary’s, and suddenly a golden unicorn came at his behest. The unicorn trampled on all the dead gnomes, creating a paste that would taste quite good on a loaf of bread. The bishop then proceeded to eat some bread with the paste.
This caused Marie-Clancy to go on a drug-fuelled rampage. She shot bolts of lightning everywhere. A brown-skinned, female magician who came to stop her was killed by a stray bolt of lightning, causing her body parts to scatter all across the room. “Pocahontas!!!” the bishop called out to her.
“You will pay for this!!” the princess shouted, skillfully throwing Pocahontas’s arm at a pressure point on the bishop’s wrist, causing him to explode, leaving his hat behind.
Her rage now subsided, Marie-Clarice felt the evil energy leave her body. She looked around at the chaos in her living room. A bishop’s hat, a loaf of bread, dead gnomes, and the body parts of an exotic woman lay at her feet. “Who could have done this?” she cried, tears rolling down her leg.